And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
