Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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