I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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