I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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