did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
