you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
