Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
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