Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
