he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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