I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
