Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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