please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
