Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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