I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
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