Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(516): View more from New York

I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs

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(443): View more from Maryland

the only muscles i have these days is kegels

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(804): View more from Virginia

he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms

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(419): View more from Ohio

The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .

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(708): View more from Illinois

I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

professor came back from spring break missing a tooth

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(217): View more from Illinois

yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant

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(425): View more from Washington

When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.

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