never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
