Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
