just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She bit a glass in half.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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