So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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