I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
