I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
