I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
