I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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