Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
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