Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
They are going to name an STD after you.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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