i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
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