I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
Randomize
