Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
