I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
