i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Randomize