A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
