maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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