I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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