Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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