you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
