I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
