I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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