as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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