So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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