That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize