So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
