Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
