I'm lost and stupid without you.
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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