Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
My penis needs a shock collar
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
