oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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