drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Randomize
