I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
