Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
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