Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
