This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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