Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
