I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Randomize
