i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
