Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
