is your mom at the bar?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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