I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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