I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
