Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
