I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
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