i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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