just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
