I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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