if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
