my soul wont recognize me after tonight
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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