you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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